Spring brings it.

So in the spring I got a tiny bit hypo, decided I’d rather it not progress to more than that so went back on a low dose of abilify. (10 mgs). Then a week or so ago I made the mistake of drinking coffee a few times in the same week, so now I’m at 15 mgs. I have two jobs and am trying to get off disability, so it’s worth it to me to try and stay on top of things. I’m part of a study and when I signed up I had to agree that *if* I got symptoms, I would go back on meds, not only that, I like not being crazy. The spring always seems to bring mania, I’m not sure how I thought I’d make it through the spring…. 😦

Either way I’m doing really well, feeling good. 🙂

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Finding a New Way to Deal…

So the day before yesterday was the first day I FELT like I was off meds. I had random anxiety all. night. long. then the next day I woke up and it wasn’t gone, and i hadn’t seen my bf in a week and it was his day off and I had physical therapy for four hours. I didn’t want to go to pt. I cried for 30 minutes, he wanted me to go. augh. He said it’s good for me to go, I didn’t care much, then I asked him to walk me to the bus stop before I realized that was a HUGE Step backwards for me, so I went by myself.

(I used to make him walk me everywhere, sit at my school and wait for me, wait for me at my work, etc) Cuz I couldn’t just DO things. So I figured I didn’t want to go backwards and I”m going to have to find better ways to deal with ‘the crazies’ when they rear their heads. So I left, by myself, sucked it up, and got on with my day. The rest of my day was great.

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Officially Off Meds

Okay so I”m officially off my meds since saturday. I still feel fine. Waiting for the other shoe to drop!

I AM being careful and making some good decisions though I think. I was offered a trip to Boston with a friend, but travel can be overstimulating/a trigger for mania for me, and my bf wouldn’t be there in case I freaked out, so we decided it might not be best for me to go right now. I think it’ll be a bunch of small decisions like that, that help keep me as stable as I can be.

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“Why are you so hyper?”

Heya everyone, I’ve been SO busy recently, no time to blog.

Anyhow, I’m here now though. I’m going down to 5 mgs starting today. I’ve been at 10 the last week, and STILL doing good. I’ve gone from being pleasantly surprised to mildly shocked. I really didn’t expect it to go this way.

One of my friends was like “Why are you so hyper?” The other day, but I think I was just in a really great mood, I was out with her and another friend and we were having and AWESOME fun time. 🙂 I calmed down and all was fine.

Anyhow, that’s all I really have to report right now!

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I’d like to do more than survive, I’d like to rub it in your face!

So I’m more than halfway through the week at 15 mgs and still going strong.

I feel kind of like people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say “I told you so!”

I should be off entirely within’ the next 3 weeks. It’s so …..I dunno. I feel weird. I guess I should, it’s been 11 years. I feel more motivated, have more energy, I”m reading again<Oh how I miss reading!>

I want to be amazing.

🙂

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Saw the pdoc today…

I just want to say to everyone who was so worried about me going off my meds without my docs help/approval: His reaction was laughable. He seemed not too concerned, other than saying I Shouldn’t, of course, it’s his job to push pills, he also told me that AP’s don’t shrink your frontal lobe, that they basically don’t do anything negative at all. He said, ‘as far as he knew” that they didn’t and he’d “never heard such a thing.” I told him I read several articles and/or studies on the subject, he seemed to think I was ridiculous. He gave me zero advice about coming off, didn’t recommend a dosage schedule or anything, just said “go slow.”

Awesome.

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People saying “crazy” things…

Why is it that now that my friends KNOW that I”m coming off my meds, they see weird behaviors that aren’t there, that they never would have imagined up before? Today, my bf, whom I LIVE WITH said that one of my friends (who he works with) asked him if I were okay, yes, mentally, because of an exchange we had over text with him and facebook with a friend.

Here is the scenario:

Me: (on facebook) hey, blah asked me to hang out with him and blah, but I Dont’ think blah likes me very much so I said no (said to blah’s boytoy)

boytoy: Oh, he said he was busy….anger anger. he was too busy to hang out with ME. blarghy blarghy, whatever.

me: *quickly blah to let him know that I slipped up and told boytoy that blah was hanging with another boy.* my bad!

blah: It’s ok I’ll talk to him later

–END SCENE–
and SOMEHOW out of THAT he got that something must be wrong. Listen people, my bf, he’s a worrier, he’s on prozac for excessive worry, and I’m sure he’s PLENTY worried enough without my friends going up to him and saying they are worried about me because of X inconsequential thing that happened. So CHILL OUT will you? I live with him, he’s going to notice that something is wrong way before anyone else will.

argh.

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I need a change…

So, I got my insurance back, and I’ve made an appt to see my pdoc this coming Friday. I’m not going to tell him I’m off my meds straight away, first I’ll ask him some questions about the long term effects of them, see how honest he is with me, and if he’s less than honest, I’ll probably find a new doc or just stop going altogether. I have enough drugs to last me the rest of my downward titration anyhow. I’ll probably just ask for a script of zyprexa for ‘as needed moments’ (no more than one week) and be on my way.

I’m going to talk to him about maybe doing IPSRT again, just as a refresher–or perhaps *gulp* going back into therapy. I really feel like after being in therapy for SO DAMN LONG there isn’t much they can tell me that I don’t know, and after my last appt that proved true enough. But, maybe I’ll give it a shot anyhow. I’m sure once I start to crack I might just need someone to talk things out with…We shall see!

Today is day 4 on 20 mgs and I’m still doing great.

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What leaves you broken…in the end…makes you better…

So one of the blogs on here, (on my blogroll papergirl) kills me a little to read it. This girl is cutting/starving/bipolar/sounds just like me at her age (I think she’s 14-15). She seems to really hate herself and it brings back not so fond memories. I started cutting at 13, self harm of other less obvious sorts at a younger age. I didn’t stop until I was 22 or 23. It took me a really long time to get over thinking I deserved this life I was putting myself through. I’m sure the meds and therapy helped, and I had friends. Amazing friends and a great boyfriend and supportive family members and even with all the support of a pdoc, tdoc, friends and family and bf, I was still so alone and still hating on myself. I can’t imagine how it is for anyone who has anything less. It must feel so overwhelming.

I guess it was difficult and a long time coming, the way I changed….because with mental illness you really are alone, even with all the others around you. You suffer your illness alone. Even if you are lucky enough to have someone holding  your hand through it all, it is IN YOUR HEAD and you can NOT ESCAPE YOURSELF. So at that point it’s a matter of changing yourself, your thoughts, your behaviors. Making your head a more comfortable place to be.  It’s hard work, but oh so worth it.

These days, I’ve cut once in I think the last 6 years (right before my last hospitalization almost 3 years ago). I don’t hate myself anymore, I don’t starve, but I’m fat, I’m dealing with that as best I can. But it’s not a good enough reason to hate myself. I am of course still bipolar, and after 11 years on meds I’m finally coming off, and fairly confident that I will know how to handle this illness in a way I never knew how to before.

I am so thankful, for all of it really, even the seemingly endless suffering of my youth, it has made me who I am, and I have come full circle. It really is true, even if cliche’, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….if you can just get through all those moments of being broken, you will find in the end, it has made you stronger– if you’ve learned from  it. Those broken pieces can be fixed, welded together, and  made stronger  than they once were on their own….

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Just another way to fit the mold…

So I belong to this bipolarsurvival livejournal community. It’s a largely pro-med group, and I expressed an opinion that not all doctors could be trusted to tell you the facts about drugs……and boy did this one girl jump on me….in the most polite manner.

It’s just kind of funny….I have been pro life in my much younger days, and I have been pro med as well.The thing is even though I’ve been on both sides of a lot of issues I can’t pinpoint what it was that made me change. I can’t even begin to think that maybe trying to convince people of ‘my way’ is even for the best. When I was pro med, I HATED hearing people say I should go off. They had great reasons, but I knew myself, and I knew that I was really truly sick. I needed them. I’m in a different place in my life now, and I’m just sort of HOPING that this works out. But it might not. Who knows.

I dunno, it’s a very heated subject. I always thought when people would tell me to go off my meds that they clearly didn’t know just how bad off I was, and it was kind of invalidating of my struggles. Now I realize they just didn’t want my frontal lobe to shrink. hahaha, ok ok, maybe not, but they were concerned, as I am now, about what the drugs are doing to me. They had every right to express that concern, and I express it to others now, but, I know that if they are anything like I was, they aren’t really listening anyhow….

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