Spring brings it.

So in the spring I got a tiny bit hypo, decided I’d rather it not progress to more than that so went back on a low dose of abilify. (10 mgs). Then a week or so ago I made the mistake of drinking coffee a few times in the same week, so now I’m at 15 mgs. I have two jobs and am trying to get off disability, so it’s worth it to me to try and stay on top of things. I’m part of a study and when I signed up I had to agree that *if* I got symptoms, I would go back on meds, not only that, I like not being crazy. The spring always seems to bring mania, I’m not sure how I thought I’d make it through the spring…. 😦

Either way I’m doing really well, feeling good. 🙂

Read Full Post »

“Why are you so hyper?”

Heya everyone, I’ve been SO busy recently, no time to blog.

Anyhow, I’m here now though. I’m going down to 5 mgs starting today. I’ve been at 10 the last week, and STILL doing good. I’ve gone from being pleasantly surprised to mildly shocked. I really didn’t expect it to go this way.

One of my friends was like “Why are you so hyper?” The other day, but I think I was just in a really great mood, I was out with her and another friend and we were having and AWESOME fun time. 🙂 I calmed down and all was fine.

Anyhow, that’s all I really have to report right now!

Read Full Post »

I’d like to do more than survive, I’d like to rub it in your face!

So I’m more than halfway through the week at 15 mgs and still going strong.

I feel kind of like people are waiting for me to crack just so they can say “I told you so!”

I should be off entirely within’ the next 3 weeks. It’s so …..I dunno. I feel weird. I guess I should, it’s been 11 years. I feel more motivated, have more energy, I”m reading again<Oh how I miss reading!>

I want to be amazing.

🙂

Read Full Post »

Saw the pdoc today…

I just want to say to everyone who was so worried about me going off my meds without my docs help/approval: His reaction was laughable. He seemed not too concerned, other than saying I Shouldn’t, of course, it’s his job to push pills, he also told me that AP’s don’t shrink your frontal lobe, that they basically don’t do anything negative at all. He said, ‘as far as he knew” that they didn’t and he’d “never heard such a thing.” I told him I read several articles and/or studies on the subject, he seemed to think I was ridiculous. He gave me zero advice about coming off, didn’t recommend a dosage schedule or anything, just said “go slow.”

Awesome.

Read Full Post »

I need a change…

So, I got my insurance back, and I’ve made an appt to see my pdoc this coming Friday. I’m not going to tell him I’m off my meds straight away, first I’ll ask him some questions about the long term effects of them, see how honest he is with me, and if he’s less than honest, I’ll probably find a new doc or just stop going altogether. I have enough drugs to last me the rest of my downward titration anyhow. I’ll probably just ask for a script of zyprexa for ‘as needed moments’ (no more than one week) and be on my way.

I’m going to talk to him about maybe doing IPSRT again, just as a refresher–or perhaps *gulp* going back into therapy. I really feel like after being in therapy for SO DAMN LONG there isn’t much they can tell me that I don’t know, and after my last appt that proved true enough. But, maybe I’ll give it a shot anyhow. I’m sure once I start to crack I might just need someone to talk things out with…We shall see!

Today is day 4 on 20 mgs and I’m still doing great.

Read Full Post »

Just another way to fit the mold…

So I belong to this bipolarsurvival livejournal community. It’s a largely pro-med group, and I expressed an opinion that not all doctors could be trusted to tell you the facts about drugs……and boy did this one girl jump on me….in the most polite manner.

It’s just kind of funny….I have been pro life in my much younger days, and I have been pro med as well.The thing is even though I’ve been on both sides of a lot of issues I can’t pinpoint what it was that made me change. I can’t even begin to think that maybe trying to convince people of ‘my way’ is even for the best. When I was pro med, I HATED hearing people say I should go off. They had great reasons, but I knew myself, and I knew that I was really truly sick. I needed them. I’m in a different place in my life now, and I’m just sort of HOPING that this works out. But it might not. Who knows.

I dunno, it’s a very heated subject. I always thought when people would tell me to go off my meds that they clearly didn’t know just how bad off I was, and it was kind of invalidating of my struggles. Now I realize they just didn’t want my frontal lobe to shrink. hahaha, ok ok, maybe not, but they were concerned, as I am now, about what the drugs are doing to me. They had every right to express that concern, and I express it to others now, but, I know that if they are anything like I was, they aren’t really listening anyhow….

Read Full Post »

I have nothing, and what I have is yours…

I am now down to 25 mgs. I plan to stay here for two weeks. I cut my 30 mgs a bit short, because I felt fine and have been on 30 before for long stretches, but the 25….I’ve never ever been this low before. So regardless of how well I’m doing I’m going to stay here for 2 weeks. This weather is really getting to me though, sunny one day and then rainy and gloomy for another 3 days. I”m using my light box today cuz all this gloom is kind of bringing me down.

I’m also feeling a little anti social and I just want to sleep. SO…..I’m just not going to sleep the day away, and I”m going to go visit my bf’s parents today even though I don’t really want to go. Then we’re going to the movies to see kick ass. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

anyhow, I’m just going to try not to give in to my lazy impulses. I even went out to gay bingo last night with some friends even though I didn’t want to go. I know that isolating might be comforting, but it just further pulls me down the rabbit hole….so, not doing it. my MOOD feels ok enough, I’m just so tired and I think part of the reason I’m so anti social is I have had a really busy week, hanging out with people EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel burnt out on PEOPLE. augh.
Oh also I’m mood tracking on http://www.moodtracker.com if anyone else is interested in using it. It’s pretty nice.

Read Full Post »